Everyone disagrees at some point or another, the trick is how to "discuss' without resorting to name-calling, finger-pointing or personal attacks. This may be easy with a store clerk, but with a spouse or friend things can get complicated quick. These are a few tips this Irish, red-head has picked up through ten years of marriage and many clients...
1. Shut your mouth and listen. Actually listen to the person you are in conflict with - do not plan your next verbal attack while the other person is speaking. A way to force yourself to do this is to repeat back to the other person what their complaint is after him/her stops speaking. For example, "I hear you are mad at me because I am late, correct?"
2. Walk away to take some time to settle down. Sometimes whatever you are arguing about can be quite painful or upsetting and you may start feeling yourself becoming defensive and/or accusing - this is not going to lead to a positive outcome, so allow yourself some space to settle down. Let your partner know you need some time to settle down and try to set up another time to discuss this later. Doing this allows you to focus on the "real issues" instead of your "bad reactions" that may distract you from the "real issues." Some years ago when my husband and I were in marriage counseling, he would do something stupid/selfish and I would go ballistic. It took us a long time to get to his very, real bad behaviors because my reactions would be so outrageous as to eclipse his negative behaviors. I had to learn to settle myself down before/during discussions as to deal with the real issues.
3. Breathing. Sometimes in the heat of an argument you may realize you are holding your breath or experiencing shallow breathing. Stop speaking for a few moments and just breathe. Use your breath to sooth yourself back down to more relaxed space - you will notice you can listen better and have more clarity after you regain your footing.
4. Do you want to be right or do you want to find common ground? This is your ego wanting to "win" your arguments. Being right all the time can ultimately lead to isolation and loneliness. The real question to ask yourself is - why do I have to be right? Ask yourself in the middle of an argument - am I trying to be right or can we compromise? It takes two people to argument, but one to make a change for the better.
5. What is your part? Be honest, you do have a part - even if it is very small. The quicker you can focus on your part in the argument, the quicker you will get to resolution. When you discover your part, you are able to learn - how to avoid this in the future, or what is important to you or even, why this isn't working? With better information and clarity you are able to make healthier decisions that meet the needs of both of you instead of just one.
6. Humor. Yes, some arguments are very serious and some would argue jokes are not appropriate. However, I am Irish as I have said (gallows' humor for sure) and the quicker I can laugh about whatever, the better. Once I was with my sister-in-law taking care of both our kids (four in all) and my husband was two hours late getting back from a bike ride with friends. Over the couple hours he was late - I was getting more and more pissed off. Finally he walks through the door and my sister-in-law greets him with, "Hey, "dead-man-walking" - good to see you upright?" I just about wet my pants I was laughing so hard. Yes, I was still angry, but no longer at the point of inflicting bodily injury...A warning though, not everyone appreciates this humor as I have lost a friend by making this very same joke with her husband. Needless to say, it would have happened sooner or later as I don't take life/events nearly as dramatically as she did.
7. Flexibility and letting go. Once you discover you don't have to be "right" or recognize your part in the argument, you become more flexible. As much as I hate it - disagreements, arguments are opportunities to bring your relationship closer be it a friend or lover. There is no one person on the planet who you would get along with always - not even a soul-mate or twin-flame. There will be disagreements in life if only because each of us is a separate, thinking individual with our own unique perspective. Arguments are an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner - it just doesn't feel like an opportunity in the heat of the moment. So breathe. Be open to learning new information and once peace/harmony has been restored, let go. Holding grudges or continuing to stew about past arguments is about you - not the other person. These negative feeling hurt you every day and even draw more arguments into your life. If you are having trouble "letting go" try journaling, talking with other friends or possibly seek professional help with a coach or therapist to discover how to let go or what is driving your unresolved feelings.
These are just a few tips I have discovered thus far in my many years of marriage and working with clients. May they serve you well.
Kelly Ballard is a workshop leader, Intuitive Guide and Healer. Through workshops, private sessions and guided meditations Kelly specializes in helping others discover positive solutions for immediate change/growth in their lives thus drawing their most abundant life into reality. Find out more information about her services and meditation CDs at http://www.kellyballard.com Contact her directly at 720-984-4232 or email kelly@kellyballard.com She lives in Boulder, CO.
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